I didn't want to cry when I heard the news. But I did. Painfully so. I had never felt anything like it. It wasn't sadness or numbness or anguish. It was grief.
Grief didn't just exist in this far way land as it had felt like before. It lived within me. I became grief. I was grief. I cried till I couldn't. Till my body physically couldn't handle it.
Grief doesn't stop. Mourning is never ending. Here I am 3 years later, still wanting to see you one last time. My memories of you are the happiest of my life. I miss everything about you. And I don't know how to deal with it.
Around that time every year, I stop sleeping, my room becomes a mess and I have no motivation. It's like the universe knows and it mourns with us. Just like the universe mourned with us then.
The worst thing is the waiting. I wait for the impossible. I wait to hear your voice through the walls. I want to microwave your food for you. I want to be in your room. But I can't. And that's the worst part. I don't want to forget you. To be fair how could I? You were the point to living. Now how do I do that with this chasm in my chest. I want to claw out my heart and sew it back together with memories of you. But knowing that I can't see you again would rip it right back open.
Nothing prepares you for grief. It engulfs you like a storm. And it lingers. Time does help but you don't forget. And I don't want to. I don't know how to counter grief so I let it take me on its ride and I think of you and every time we smiled. In all the moments, people didn't understand us. In all those moments I was worried sick for you. I was just happy you were there. And I would do it the exact same way again.
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be"
Comments