In all the forms and definitions, she was my greatest love. And what happened, is my only heartbreak. The thing about losing your soulmate is that it hurts but you like it. Especially when it was the universe that willed it. She was the closest to humanity that I'd ever been. I was the happiest and I loved her. Even with scratches and doubt, I was truly enthralled by her person.
I used to worry a lot. We all used to worry. Every month when she would get sick and not move for hours on end. I would sit by her bed and cry. We would all come one by one, stare through the door to check on her and leave with pits in our hearts. And then, when you're sitting down, she'd just creep on you and give you a smile. A smile that symbolised every good thing on this earth and your love would grow stronger.
It is a comfort to know, that the love I had for her, I cannot repeat and I cannot duplicate. I spent all of my days thinking about her. When the golden light would go out and the world would turn grey, she became all the colours in the world. It was supposed to be me and her, forever. But it wasn't
I blamed myself for it. For a long time. The thing about losing your love, is that you're the only one that lost it. And life continues. But how could it continue? How can everyone act like all is okay in the world? I sat in matatus, in restaurants, in school and all I wanted was to shake everyone and scream "CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN YOU ALL NOT SEE THAT I'VE JUST LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE?" But no one cared. Life went on.
And so did the heartache. The hole grew bigger and bigger. And it becomes hard to live, when the reason, you lived and worked for, is no longer there. And so you cry, every night and in front of the fridge when you realise, you shouldn't microwave that plate of food because she's not there to eat it. And when you look through her clothes. And when your soul feels so empty, that The emptiness consumes your whole being.
It was the worst of times, it was the best of times. And I loved every little moment of it. I loved at my fullest and I was frustrated with all my might. But life felt real. I felt real compassion and connection. And empathy grew alongside fatigue. But my fatigue was warm and familiar. And I miss it. I miss her.
And everyday you ask yourself various "what ifs" but you shouldn't, because reality cannot be escaped. It is what it is and heartbreak was inevitable. And you don't know what will fill that hole in your heart. And nothing ever will, you just find new parts of your heart to lose to heartbreaks.
Song:
The Louvre - Lorde
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