I feel beautiful and I kinda hate it. All my life, I have been chasing this feeling. And finally at 18, I think I have it? But it's not what I thought it would be.
I started being perceived, when I was 8. Meaning, I discovered, that the world I lived in with my family, in our full house, is not the only thing that existed. That existing was not my only purpose. I consider this the time my burden as a woman, was bestowed upon me. The burden of morality by nature of appearance.
It was also during this time, that I concluded something was wrong with me. Apparently I was "fat". And there was something wrong with that. The weirdest thing about this, was that everyone wanted to "correct" it. By diets, the consistent "are you sure you want to eat that?", the childhood diets, and the constant reminder, that u defer in some way. Fatness, which is considered "ugly" is so wholly refuted by the whole of society, that everyone around you, wants to help you correct this immorality. My 8 year old self was devastated.
It is weird now, for me to understand this. I was still myself. I was still me, Tasha, same thoughts, same singing voice, same interests, but my physical body was wrong. I didn't understand what was wrong with it. But eventually I gave in. I just know, that until very recently, I hated that other people could see me. I remember writing down, how I was sorry, that other people could perceive me. Like I had committed a horrible crime that I needed to apologise for. I am serving a life sentence, for no crime committed. My one crime is not to be beautiful.
The most wretched thing, about it is that, "beauty" and "ugliness", do not exist. It is not an objective fact.They cannot be defined, it changes and evolves with time. Currently, it is based on power and right now, Eurocentrism is in power, so that ideal is what beauty is for now. But no matter how perfectly, you align to it, someone, somewhere, will not find you attractive. "Not everyone's cup of tea" is the sentence of my nightmares, because it means, no matter what I do, someone out there will not see my worth.
Importance of beauty is very clear in social media, especially with stan culture. The incessant need to prove that their "fave" is gorgeous. Even the whole "revenge glow-up" phenomenon, is a product of equating beauty to morality and worth. That your fave has to meet some standard or you yourself have to make people "regret" their actions towards you, by changing your appearance, is quite frankly absurd. Like why do we even care about how we look? We are all human beings, who deserve respect, regardless of what our meat sacks look like. There is nothing inherently immoral about being "ugly" but we sure, do act like there is.
"Ugliness" is dehumanising. This is especially common to see in women, who HAVE and fight, to see themselves as beautiful. Who can blame us? When all throughout history, our one purpose was to look pretty, doesn't it make sense that we hold on to it and bandage it on each other? To remind each other, we are worth something. We constantly tell each other that we are beautiful, because we know we need it.
The absurdity, keeps going as we realise there's different categories of beauty and everyone wants to be "effortlessly beautiful", we all want to be "natural". If beauty is an anthropological need, why are other avenues of obtaining this beauty wrong? Plastic surgery is sad, but shows you the lengths, people will go to, to be considered human. How people who don't meet conventional standards are treated, is a representation of how we see, respect and empathy. It is only afforded to those, that are "beautiful". Even something as simple, as a greeting.
I always felt like a freak. Not being seen as beautiful, made me feel less than. When in reality, what difference does it make what I look like? I always disassociated to live life, I exist outside of my physical form. I am worth everything outside of what I look like. And we should afford each other this attribute too. I have started telling myself in the mirror, "hey, you look like yourself today" instead of "hey, you look beautiful". I deserve to be here and I deserve respect because I exist.
As a society, we should strive for this neutral world, where no one cares about each other's looks. Just deep connections and human experience. And make the world a nicer place and all that jazz :)
Song:
Florence + The Machine - Hunger
"And at least I understood then, the hunger I felt"
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