A Commentary on Black Masculinity:
Nonchalance, Nairobi Niggas and Nuance
Part 1: Nonchalance
noun: nonchalance; plural noun: nonchalances
the state of being nonchalant
Similar: unconcern, casualness, airiness, unemotional, dispassionate, detached
Nonchalance was very new to me as an adult. As a child I could never imagine that I would ever meet anyone who wouldn‘t want to love unabashedly and loudly. My father, although an introvert, had never been "nonchalant" about my mother. In fact i do not know a greater love than that which my parents share.
My father a traditional African man, kisses my mother on the cheek, holds her hand, buys her gifts, and makes it clear he wants to spend everyday with her.
"Tasha, where is your mum?" I have heard several times, when all she‘s done is go to the gym. The long phone calls that he wants to have with my mother when he travels abroad: "Baba yako ananipigia " (your dad is calling me) or the numerous pieces of jewelry and bottles of perfume : "Baba yako ndio alinunulia" (your dad bought it for me).
This form of adoration was, what I understood as the standard relationship.
I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Part 2: Nairobi Niggas
A dark teenage girl‘s bedroom. A teenage girl is on the phone with a 19 year old lightskin boy. She is frustrated, yearning.
1. Nairobi Nigga (most recent): If people saw our texts, they‘d call you desperate
Me: Who are these people and why would I care?
No SERIOUSLY, who are these people. Nairobi niggas need more male validation than I ever will. Niggas will play 2 girls at once and cry at the thought of being emotionally vulnerable with their girlfriends. As a person deeply connected to their emotions and sees the importance of expressing myself, I was absolutely shattered by that comment. That is when I realised that Nairobi niggas are always putting on a show. Constantly living in front of an audience that is their male friends. Basically they‘re s*cking d*** on the daily. This need for male validation leaves a strain in heterosexual relationships, leaving emotional labour solely to the woman (more on this in the next part). Him describing the expression of my emotion towards him as “desperate” was a clear sign of how he saw emotions as beneath him. Nairobi niggas think being human and caring is beneath them.
2. January Nairobi Nigga: you’re perfect and I hate that you know it
Nothing to say here, he was the most showing with his emotions towards me. Too bad on text he was quite mean to me and ended up in rehab!
A meeting between an 18 year old girl and a 20 year old man (boy tbh) at the rooftop.
3. Gym Nairobi Nigga: I like you, I just can’t be what you want me to be
Me: What are you talking about? I just asked when you're free
He definitely made me doubt if men are capable of emotion. The urge for male validation was serious for him (I could barf writing this right now). Any emotion showed by him was in a way to make himself look good. After approaching me and establishing some sort of connection, this connection was NOT stronger than his love for his homeboy's d***. Conversations never ended naturally, they were cut short by his friends beckoning him like a dog and he'd leave immediately. Don't get me wrong, I shall not act as if women don't have unwavering loyalty towards each other, but women are in my opinion, more open to juggling their love life and friendships, and sometimes unfortunately, even letting their partner consume them.
Part 3: Nuance
Seeing as the world is changing (interracial couples are not illegal) and my girls and I are getting older, we often speak about how “pasta and lobster” is perceived. There’s a general consensus that most Black women we see with a white man, are happy. And I would like to discuss why that as a Black woman and how I see it.
Growing up as I had shown, my father was very affectionate with my mother. But I was shocked to find out, they’re an anomaly. I never saw any man doing anything for their wives or expressing love anywhere else.
Going into my teens, I soon realised that guys in general (Black men for me, cos I live in literal Kenya), would not express emotions as much as the women. Leaving women desperate for love and affection. A year ago, I would have said that women need to become more nonchalant (clearly, I had never talked to a man) and act like the men. Then I realised that, I love women because I can tell they love me. I love women because I love showing I love them.
This willingness to show and accept love seems to be lost on Black men. They’re too busy being cool and nonchalant to be corny. But why is that? I cannot say that it is completely their fault. Black masculinity lies heavily on not displaying emotion, leading and being the “strong” one in the relationship. This used to be the face of masculinity in general but since the waves of feminism passing in the Western world, the Eurocentric toxic masculinity has slowly been beaten down by the spread of feminism. Feminism in Africa but also in Black communities all across the world, is looked down upon. It’s not too popular. This results in a majority of Black men being the enablers of toxic masculinity, due to our affinity to Eurocentric tradition and the effects of colonialism and white supremacy that have been embedded in our society and culture. White men are not held to the same standard anymore. They help with the dishes and feed their babies now. While Black men are heralded as the the pedestal of traditional masculinity that are “tough and manly”, even by their white counterparts. Leaving them with no room and fear of expression.
Regarding this, I can excuse their lack of devotion but that does not mean that they do not have a choice. We must all work together as the Black community to break down the gender roles and expectations. But are the men really willing to let go of the male validation? (like even the girlies are failing) I believe not. But until the negroes wanna be corny and write me a Hozier song, I guess pasta and lobster prevails for now.
Song:
Faye Webster - Right Side of My Neck
"You said you can't change your haircut
But it looks good anyway
I kinda wonder where you got it
And I doubt you even paid"
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