"TO LOVE ME IS AN INSULT"- The phenomenon of the "anything" woman

I’ve always hated the phrase “guys will go for anything”. Because what if I’m the "anything"? My whole life I have been embarrassed to live in my own skin. I am a woman and as society has put it, I am to be beautiful. But what if I’m not? What if I’m the ‘’OTHER”. The woman that doesn’t give men social capital? The woman that other women don’t see as competition? The woman that lets other women look into the mirror and say “Thank God, I don’t look like that”? What if loving me is an insult?

I don’t know if I’m the anything, I’m not really sure. I always think: “Maybe if I were pretty, they wouldn’t have treated me that way”. But then again, people do just suck. I’ve always envied the women who are clearly not the “anything”. The women men can’t afford to “fumble”. In a way, even though I’m a feminist, I secretly despise them. Not because, they’ve done anything wrong, but because they represent something I could never be. I look at them and want to be them. The power that they hold in this society is something that I crave. Maybe I despise them because they can do no wrong, maybe it’s because I want a man to look at me and think I am the most beautiful woman on earth and I feel like that will never happen. And many times, I feel pleased by women who are not the “anything” having no personality. It’s a small win in my insecure eyes. And I hate that I feel that way.

I also hate categories. Women are put into categories all the time. Who made the “anything” category? I’m terrified I might fit the qualifications. It’s like a recurring nightmare. Every time I go out in public, I don’t know if people are looking at me because they’re mesmerized or because they’re horrified. And that is even more horrifying. I live my life in constant doubt. I feel like a ghost is haunting me and I am paralysed.

I try to find out if I’m the “anything”. I spend hours scrolling through my own pictures. I analyse every detail. I analyse how people talk to me. I ask my friends. But it’s still not enough. But what’s so bad about being the “anything”? It’s the same reason why being called “ugly” hurts, because being seen as “ugly” means you have no worth. And as a woman, the thought of bringing no social capital scares me to death.

In my understanding, men also want their counterparts to find you attractive, hence the other triggering phrase “as long as you’re happy bro”. And again, another category I don’t want to fit into.

But there’s a difference between the first and the second phrase, in the second phrase, one exists as a human being, that the man adores, despite the lack of social capital one brings. In the first, one exists as an object of resignation. An object that others deem as the result of the man’s careless sexual desire. As in, you don’t bring, nor have intrinsic value. For him and not for other women. This is the only phrase, that makes me feel let down by my sisterhood. That even THEY don't want me. I am the last choice.

My heart mourns whenever I hear that phrase. Because I hope no one has ever described me like that. I don’t think I could ever survive that.

But this fear will never go away. I am unable to fathom anyone, thinking of me as attractive, so being the “anything” remains a constant shadow in my life. And being ghosted always makes it worse.

I hope for a society where no one is seen as an anything. Where looks hold no value and deep connections rule society. I can only pray.

Song;

Shannon Purser - Sunflower

"And if I were her, maybe you'd pick me"